Darkness. Not a crack of light permeates any corner of the dimly lit room. The brightness in my mind turned rancid, musty and stale and somehow all glorious thoughts of happiness had eluded me and turned misery into a blanket of comfort in this monochrome haze of despair. That’s how it was, the poetry in my mind whirled into mad prose swiveling in absinthe whilst I ensconced myself in the almost drowning rationalization that despair was fleeting and that hope floats in the distant horizon. But it does.
Rumor has it growth is painful. Inserting a semi-nod I concur because once you completely surrender to something greater than you, then that ‘something greater than you’ (feel free to insert appropriate terminology: God, universe, the divine) brings everything to the surface. Yup, like one giant zit, but this time it exceeds the unwanted parameters of your face and bubbles internally. So pretty. Its all rather dramatic, dwelling in the darkness and waiting for that cystic residual emotion to float to the exterior of someone that has decided she wants to dig a little deeper into the meaning of life. Inevitably, I simply came to the realization that everything is light beneath the cloak of dusk.
I’m a spiritual guinea pig because it’s the only kind of experiment where there are no odds against you; there is only consciousness and an abundance of proliferation. Your entire biochemistry changes, at least mine did. I have a mantra, it’s super simple: Everyone evolves at a different pace, and to respect it. Knowing this while on my journey, I didn’t anticipate anyone to make sense of the metaphysical conceptualizations I was creating on the blank canvas of my understanding of the incorporeal. Yet, I attracted just that. Whatever I personified, I magnified and as a result, I met a handful of like-minded individuals that were on the same pilgrimage, some a little ahead and others picking up the pace, not that it mattered because the junket was the same.
Wherever and whenever you are faced with opposition and absolute desolation there has to be a comprehension that pure faith is required to know that darkness can never really exist; it’s simply an absence of light. Shine an internal votive on any dim corner and you’ll see things that were never discernable. I’ve applied that to my life knowing that it’s hard to turn the candle inwards, because I was brought to look at my own shortcomings, dig through unattended grievances, hold emotional junk in my hands, find trinkets of irritation and boxed personal failures.
It’s strange how my faith got tested over and over and would not cease until I received the blessing with grace. Just when I felt things were going to get more dismal and would fall into a well of utter emptiness, I found my own brightness. It was during the moment when I thought I was about to plummet that I realized something grander than myself had been holding me all along. Looking inwards isn’t the most magnificent of processes, it’s a humbling experience, one where you excavate the authentic version of you, the one that is free from social conformity, it’s the real essence of who you are that houses nothing but goodness and love. Once you harrow that out, you’ll be covered in dirt and a grainy residue of new awareness. That can be painful because if you were to literally dig you would break the earth. In this case, you have to fracture your own preconceived notions, genuinely forcing you to get out your own darn way. Dusting myself off I could now look at the real relevance of my purpose, what I truly looked like and what I meant to the energy surrounding me.
The upswing of burrowing into your composition produces a greater value for others, their pace, circumstances and struggles, automatically loving those around you. It also brings forth a patience I never knew I possessed. There was an instinctual forbearance for the people that displayed spitefulness, anger, raw emotion and negativity, because they are the ones that require love and understanding the most. Just being around anyone with this knowledge has the potential to bring out the best in him or her. Your healing energy has the possibility to cure others and that makes the dig and the dirt so much more worth it, which is why you have to work with relentless faith; no one can heal you the way the tools housed within you can.
Dig deep. You’ll eventually find the brightness and a sense of self-healing.
It took me years and it’s still a process but each breaking point showed me the intricacies that were hidden. Everything came to the forefront and whether I liked it or not, there it was in broad daylight for me to deal with, look at, acknowledge, greet, wave goodbye and tackle. I won’t lie, it’s challenging. You won’t like the things you have to let go and come to terms with, the ego kicks in and so does self-justification causing an immense amount of frustration. I cried and yelled because it was so difficult but I never once said I quit. How could I abandon myself? So I doubled my faith and went on. Then there it was, that crack of light, slowly seeping out of the dim corner and steadily, I began to love all that came into my sphere of perception.
So you see, there is no place that can remain in darkness forever, especially internally, not with all the luminosity that you own. One person can light up an entire room and when that happens it’s called true effulgence and everlasting magnetism.