The scaredy cat of change…

Like so many others, I used to be petrified of change. I was a virgin of progression. I’m actually laughing at that last statement; for so many reasons that I wouldn’t dare to type.

Spending a vast amount of time in solace is what I like to call meditation in motion, where you carry about your day, your work and are constantly reveling in the moment. Oh yes, savoring. Even the less desirable situations you ask? I’m nodding my head. Yes, Even the horrid occurrences. Being a writer, most of my time is spent on my own, reflecting intensely on my private thoughts, and after a while I began to look at everything in my life in a different way. This is going to sound nuts but I would look at a particular piece of furniture and ask myself why it was where it was, and what would happen if I moved it? Eyeing a table that was ten years old and feebly protesting at it’s own rickety state, I declared I would begin by moving it. At first I was plagued by discomfort and terrified, what if moving it five diameters from the left would result in a horrific decision and nothing would ever be the same? I believe this was called an emotional furniture mini-drama and immediately slapped myself. Mentally of-course. * (Normally, in a mini drama someone always does it for you.) I realized that I had zero qualms about remaining stagnant and wondered why?  I took a mini risk at violating my rigidity to advance and moved a table, in heels. ** Just one table. That’s how it all began.

Some time later, completely charged with energy (the Wonder Woman kind)*** I had tossed the table on the curb along with a few other items that had well reached their expiration date. It didn’t quite stop there. I was still feeling very ‘all or nothing’ even after I had thrown out six garbage bags full of things I did not need, so I walked over to the full length mirror in my hallway and inspected my reflection. Self-evolution had made me quite aware that this past year allowed me to clean out the insides to a point where I didn’t quite match my outsides. Looking at myself and twirling around a strand of hair in my hand, I was feeling less burdened, happier and lighter. A few days later, I cut five inches off my hair and changed the color. Now I felt happier, lighter and a tad bit more layered on the outside.

I’m not stating that this is everyone’s way to deal with confronting change; some people are so good at it they can keep the same haircut and throw out the old table. It’s so different for everybody.  For myself, I was fearful that if I let go, even of the things that did not serve me I would be at the corner of confused and lost.  In an odd way there can be great comfort in depending on the things that don’t bode you well because you’re fearful of having to face the unknown. So I said a four-letter word. No! Not that one. I looked at myself and said FLOW.

It’s my new mantra.

I was just going to flow, like water in a river. Sometimes I would inadvertently find myself trapped, stuck or bumping into a few rocks along the way, but the constant movement would let me seep though pathways that I could have never imagined. What would be at the very end of the journey was unclear but my life was in motion, even whilst meditating. Revel in the journey baby and flow, I said out loud.

I no longer fear change. I embrace it.  Its taken five years to think of uncertainty as adventure. Five years ago I could have never fathomed that I would have evolved to appreciate truly difficult moments because without them, I would have some empty pages in the book of my life. Significant pages that would make it a bestseller for the soul and for a writer, there’s no greater narrative than the honesty and incomparability of his or her own story.

* Well, ok maybe once or twice on my forehead.

** Heels and those amazing slider things that you put under furniture so that you can whiz about like a superhero pushing the furniture effortlessly. Great party trick for inebriated drunkard guests. They’ll think you’re Wonder Woman.

*** So obsessed with her.

  • A.

    Beautiful. You’re beautiful. Inside and out. Great read.